Changing for the Better

Day 17 of my @BestSelfCo Edison Deck Challenge drew the“Relationships” card asking about the ten “people who’ve changed you for the better.” It seems apropos that talking about change corresponds with the change of the seasons with vibrant beauty as the result. For me, this was hard to limit to just ten individuals, so like a few other cards in this deck, I’ve decided to take some liberties. My betterment has taken a village, and these days I believe the collective should get as much credit as the individuals.

1. The Sanctuary of Siblings: I just read an article in The New York Times’ “Modern Love” column about “diblings” – those that are related via a single sperm donor with different mothers. Diblings begin as strangers and are united through the miracle of DNA programs such as 23andme. The dibling relationship transforms through discoveries and a series of “likes” but is distinctly different than the bond that develops between siblings who grow up together. I have two siblings, a brother, and a sister, and although we have gone through times of disconnection and living separate lives, I know they always have my back and I have theirs. Perhaps it is like those who go to battle together, we share a bond of living through our childhood that had times of suburban ideals but more often was emotionally tenuous. We kept each other safe: as latch key kids we didn’t burn down the house (although we came close with a grease fire in the oven), we were strong swimmers growing up near rivers and lakes, and we always found each other during times of loss, grief, and inexplicable tragedy. I am blessed with siblings that at the core are talented, good, and kind, exceptional parents, and people that I’d stand with anytime, be it a snowy bank, dark basement, or sandy beach. They bring me the sanctuary of knowing our collective history, and that has made me not only brave, but better.

2. The Talent of Teachers. I know it is cliché to say I am better because of a teacher, because I have had some mediocre teachers plus ones that shouldn’t have been allowed to be in a classroom with students. But there were a handful of teachers that changed my sense of self because they “saw” me. They personalized their input and mentorship. My English teacher in 10th grade encouraged me to write and took time on a weekend to proofread and critique a writing contest entry. She made me feel like I was worthy. I often took night classes while attending university because I worked full-time to pay tuition. I had a professor that saw something in me and sent me job postings long after graduation with the offer to be a reference. To have someone who worked on Madison Avenue during the heyday of advertising tell me I had talent, made me better. It allowed me to push through and finish my degree against financial and peer pressure. And currently, I am a better citizen because of the physics, microbiology, and science teachers that made me believe in the discipline of research and the power of scientific inquiry.

3. Ladies Who Do More than Lunch. I have been blessed to have a group of female friends who have been convening together regularly for almost four decades on the first Friday of every month. We have been through relationships, motherhood, career paths, and life changes and I am better for these women who rarely judge and always show up. Vulnerable, fierce, funny, and constant, these women would never settle for just lunch. And I’m better because neither will I.

4. Best Friends Forever. I think everyone can find a BFF that has made them better. For me, I have multiple BFFs, appearing just when I need it. They are brutally honest and deep thinkers with large hearts. They have armored up for me when I felt attacked, they have made me see the beauty in the world during my darkest moments, and their friendship is offered always without question, and unconditionally. Their faith has allowed me to be a better friend, a better partner, and a better person.

5. Writers Writ Large. Honestly, words impact me in ways other art forms can’t. Here’s to the op/ed writers such as David Brooks who write on the noble pursuit of character and joy, reminding me that being better is a choice, not a wish. I have so much gratitude to the many fiction writers that allow me to escape, experience, and imagine; and the nonfiction writers that open worlds of knowledge and know-how. There’s a special place in my heart for the poets that are sparse in words yet deep in meaning with no calling to resolve the open question. And I have deep respect for those who have mastered the memoir by putting vulnerable narrative forward,,demonstrating that once again, we are not alone, and our stories are worth telling. I am better because of the writers whose words do so much more than stand on the page.

6. Spirits of the Universe. I have people in my life that have and continue to help me harness and explore the limitless possibilities in the world. They embrace chakras, archetypes, mantras, beliefs, and purpose. One day its dragons, another day unicorns, and most days it is simply learning to let go and trust the flow. These are the people in my life that believe in miracles, that believe dreams and desires are valid pursuits, and are uninterested in dogmatic texts or unwavering directives. I am a better person because of having their guidance; they like me, believe that hope is a part of a better world strategy.

7. Work Clans. Most of my adult life, I’ve spent at work. I’ve met some of my BFFs at work, found one-of-a-kind mentors, and learned the importance of culture. I’ve become a better person because of some work groups or “clans”, and I’ve discovered how work culture reflects what is allowed to flourish and who holds power. I’ve become a better person because of clans that put their own opinions and egos aside to support another’s decision/aspiration, because of those who hold power having the courage to put it aside to hold humanity instead, and because of people that saw the workplace as a place for fostering human relationships rather than business transactions.

8. Darling Daring Daughter(s). I have been blessed to be the mother of two daughters, one darling (or precious) and the other daring (or fearless). My “darling” daughter was my firstborn, and she made me a better human, a better parent, and a better mother. She lived for 11 days, and in that short lifetime, she changed me forever. I saw motherhood as an unnegotiable gift, an unfair compression of the cycle of life filled with unbearable joy and grief -- forever interwoven. My “daring” daughter was born 14-1/2 months later and she came into the world fast, fearless, and without hesitancy. She has constantly reminded me that I can do better, be better, and dares me to push the edges of possibility.

9. The Unchosen: Parents/Grandparents. There is a familiar saying that says that we don’t get to choose our family, so make up for it by choosing your friends. But I am who I am based on my parents, and their parents, DNA known and unknown. People aren’t perfect, and neither are my parents and grandparents who were put into parental roles by choice or circumstance. Despite their flaws, I am a better person. Both of my grandmothers made me better, one by modeling kindness and sweetness despite her own personal adversities and the other by being able to make me believe that you could create something from nothing -- be it fabric, fudge, or a trinket from the St. Vincent De Paul thrift store. My paternal grandfather made me believe in leprechauns and four-leaf clovers (something that has made me better at making my own luck), and my maternal grandfather made me resilient and defiant in the face of depravity. My mother made me independent and strong, and my father made me a risk-taker and water lover despite the falls, disappointments, and currents to traverse. Amid joy and pain, my unchosen family has made me better.

10. Silent Generation Superheroes. I have many people in my life that would be considered a part of the Silent Generation (born between 1928-1945). These individuals are often children of the Greatest Generation and are usually parents of the Baby Boomers. This generation changed the rules on many long-held mores (marriage, divorce, working, playing, giving). My superheroes showed up as mentors. From an opera intendant to board members to a financial CEO to a philanthropist. Men and women alike, they have been my biggest cheerleaders, confidantes, and way finders. They didn’t sit back and watch, they jumped in and showed me how to navigate and find better paths and directions. They validated my intellect, my judgment, and my contributions. My journey has been made better by these Silent Generation mentors who elected not to remain silent and helped me excel.